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Graphic (placeholder fic)

All I want for Christmas is a Tardis
FESTIVE TITLE BITCHES YO: Graphic
RECIPIENT WHO HAD BETTER BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE I SPENT TIME THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN DRINKING WRITING THIS SHIT: paragraphs
SUMMARY: Placeholder fic for paragraphs brought on by too much spiked eggnog. Not your real fic, and no disrespect intended to your lovely Santa. Seriously, just a placeholder.
BETA: no one's seen this thing
RATING: RPF
WARNING: IMMA REALLY CRAP WRITER AND YOU'RE ALL MUCH BETTER THAN ME
SPOILERS: indulgent
DISCLAIMER: THEY'RE really, really NOT MINE. EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE (but not really). IN MAH PANTS.



Scritch. Scritch. Scritch.

Tappity-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.

“Dammit!”

Krickle, krickle, krickle. Swoosh, rattle.

“Scott!”

Scott looked up from his novel and sighed. It was useless trying to read when John was Flexing His Creative Muscles. Otherwise known as attempting to write. Scott eyed the dog splayed out on the sofa next to him. “It’s really your turn, you know,” he told him in all seriousness. CJ the dog twitched in his sleep and rumbled low in his throat.

“Well, I don’t want to deal with it, either!” Scott grumbled back.

“Sco-ott!” John’s voice was approaching Desperation Level Two. Scott heaved another sigh, carefully marked his place in his book and stood up, stretching. CJ woke abruptly, hopped off the sofa, and stretched, too.

“Good,” Scott told him. “I’d like a little back-up.”

CJ wagged his tail and padded off to his water bowl. In the opposite direction of John’s office and his current breakdown. Scott shook his head and shuffled down the hall.

John was sitting at his desk, head in his hands and surrounded by several discarded and crumpled pieces of paper. Scott leaned against the doorframe, unwilling to fully commit to a rescue mission just yet.

“What’s the problem, Crumb?” he asked.

“Who?”

“He wrote … oh, never mind. Where are you stuck?”

John bent almost in half and banged his head on his desk. “The beginning.”

Scott was starting to wish he’d brought a bottle of wine with him. Or maybe a sharp object. “Okay, let me see what you had here,” he said, and fished out a couple crumpled pieces of paper from the bin. One had little &hearts ‘s all over it, some with “CJH + IJ = LUV” scrawled under them. Charming. The other had …

“John. Do you understand the concept of a graphic novel? You can’t have cocks in this thing. It’s not that kind of graphic.”

Of course I know that,” John said, dignified, but Scott caught the flicker of his left eyelid. With supreme effort, he let it pass.

“Right then,” he said. “When is this supposed to be set?”

“After Death Knell and before Shitstorm,” John answered promptly. “I told Carole I’d come up with some ideas, but so far – I think I have writer’s block. How do you know when you have writer’s block?”

Scott raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s your problem. I think you have too many ideas. Like this one,” he reached down and plucked up a paper from the floor. “This is supposed to be Tosh? Isn’t she dead?”

“Yeah, she bites it in Death Knell. But I liked Tosh! I wanted her in my story.”

“Well, you don’t get her,” Scott said, attempting to keep his tone calm and reasonable. “If you miss Naoko, ring her. But for this story, you get Jack, Ianto and Gwen. So use them.”

“Kinky,” John muttered.

“And remember what I said about the graphics.” Scott tossed the Tosh paper into the bin. “I’m taking the dogs out for a bit. Astound us with your brilliance when we get back.” He leaned over, kissed John’s forehead and left the room before John could protest.

***

It was windy outside, and spitting rain, as per usual. Scott walked slightly hunched. CJ and Lewis ran around his ankles, snorfling and smelling before running ahead, then back and nearly tripping him up. “Oi! Watch what you’re doing!” he admonished them. Lewis paused, managing a slightly contrite expression that never ceased to amaze Scott, but CJ bounded ahead again, running full tilt for the only other person on the pavement. Shit.

“Sorry about that!” he called, hurrying forward, Lewis at his side as CJ proceeded to bounce all around the stranger.

“He’s a cute dog,” the man said, attempting to pet CJ. CJ immediately rolled over and bared his belly.

“He’s a wimp,” Scott answered dryly. CJ gave him a big doggie grin as the man rubbed his belly. Of course, that’s one way of getting what you want.

A door banged from down the street, and Scott glanced back to see John come running out of their house in stocking feet and without a jacket.

“Scott! Scott! I have a brilliant idea!” he called. CJ sat back up, and both dogs began to wriggle with excitement. John stopped breathlessly before them, and Scott had to offer a steadying shoulder as he caught his breath.

“Okay! I’m thinking: murder mystery suspense thing – like a Hitchcock film! I want something really dark and broody. Make people shiver!” John looked at him expectantly, smile wide.

“Well, good! Which Hitchcock film are you thinking of?” Scott held his breath. Please don’t say Vertigo. I hate that one.

Vertigo!” John exclaimed, slapping his hands together. “That’ll work, yeah?”

Scott fished for something to say, and noticed the stranger was eyeing them, well, strangely. “He’s writing a graphic novel,” he said to the man, by way of explanation.

“Oh! For Hitchcock? What about The Birds, yeah?” he asked.

Scott seized upon the suggestion. “Yes! That’d be perfect for a graphic novel, don’t you think, John?”

John nodded slowly. “I can see that. Black birds and red blood; that would look good. Where are you from?” Jack asked, switching topics as quickly as he usually did. It made Scott’s head spin if he concentrated on following the thread. He’d learned long ago to just roll with it.

The stranger didn’t look taken aback, either. “Germany,” he replied.

“Germany! Long way. Listen, I know some German – ”

“John…” Scott warned him, but John ignored him, like a dog with a bone.

“Ich mag Kirschen!” Jack announced. Scott held his breath.

“That’s decent pronunciation,” the stranger said, smiling, and Scott let the breath out. Thank God John didn’t know any foul language in German.

“Ha!” John exclaimed. “Did you hear that, Scott?” He turned back to the man without waiting for a response. “Have a lovely trip in Wales. I need to go be brilliant.” He stuck his hand out, gave the man an energetic handshake, and went running back to the house, thin shirt filling with wind and puffing out around him. The dogs raced him down the street.

Scott shook the stranger’s hand, too. “Have a good holiday. And thanks for the suggestion!”

***

Three hours later, Scott was bellowed for from the office yet again. He rolled his eyes at Lewis this time, but hauled himself to his feet and went shuffling down the hall.

“All right,” he said, leaning against the doorframe again. “Sparkle for me.”

John proudly relinquished a fist full of story-panel-ed papers. Scott flipped through them, smiling. “Why are you smiling?” John asked. “You’re supposed to be quaking in fright.”

“Oh, it is very frightening indeed,” Scott assured him. “That’s not why I’m smiling.”

John looked at him. “You’re seriously going to make me ask?” he said finally.

Scott chuckled. “I like cherries.”

John blinked. “It’s December. Cherries are a bit in short supply. But for the love of my life, I think I cold get my hands on some.”

Scott frowned. “Did you even know that’s what you told that guy?”

“Um … I thought I said ‘I like your hair.’”

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
samstjames
Jan. 1st, 2010 09:47 am (UTC)
"Ich mag Kirschen" Muhahaha... that's so lol. Absolutely awesome, anon.
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:47 pm (UTC)
PIPER THE DOG WROTE THIS. IT IS ON HER. SHE'S A CRAZY DOG!
paragraphs
Jan. 1st, 2010 10:28 am (UTC)
LOL awww anon this is brilliant! LOL!! Are you my Santa's helper elf then? :) Mah gulls! Mah German! N's gonna love this too! Grinning madly! And yeah it is 4:30 a.m., he's on his way back to London so woke me to watch Barrowman's newest videos. LOL.

Thank you anon!
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:23 pm (UTC)
YOUR GERMAN CAMEOS IN MAH STORIES! HE'S SPECIAL! LIKE BROCCOLI. BOY, I LOVE BROCCOLI. AND ASPARAGUS, YUM, YUM! I HAD ASPARAGUS AS A TREAT AT LUNCHTIME!

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE YOUR STORY. GIVE YOUR DOGGIES CUDDLES FROM ME!
paragraphs
Jan. 3rd, 2010 03:06 am (UTC)
PIPER I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH you made me grin and giggle like crazy! You need to write more with that German, I like it!
cruentum
Jan. 1st, 2010 12:11 pm (UTC)
i have a su-spic-shion as to who you are anon. Anyway, read this on train to london after i stood in the gen. Area your story was set in yesterday. Good times, anon. Incidentally, i did play with a random jack russel there that came over, not that jack russell tho. And ah, dont we all love cherries...
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:18 pm (UTC)
WAS IT ME? WAS IT? I BET IT WAS. I LIKE TO PUT YOU IN MY STORIES! YOU GET TO MEET JOHN BARROWMAN A LOT! AND THIS TIME YOU MET SCOTT, TOO! YIPPEE! TAIL WAGS AND COLD NOSES TO YOU!

(LUCKY YOU TO HAVE MET A JACK RUSSELL TERRIER. OUR FRIEND TOBY'S A JACK RUSSELL TERRIER. HE REALLY LIKES MY BROTHER. LIKE HOW JACK AND IANTO LIKE EACH OTHER, METHINKS.)
beesandbrews
Jan. 1st, 2010 12:50 pm (UTC)
Aw, cute.
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! IT IS SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO TYPE W/ MY PAWS. THEN I USE MY NOSE.
51stcenturyfox
Jan. 1st, 2010 01:38 pm (UTC)
Awww! Cute!

ZOMG. I knew what “Ich mag Kirschen!” meant. \O/

blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:41 pm (UTC)
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT! I HAD TO HAVE MY MUM HELP W/ THAT ONE. SHE'S MY RESEARCH ASSISTANT. I ALSO ASK HER ABOUT STUFF LIKE, "WHAT DO HUMANS FIND KINKY?"
thaddeusfavour
Jan. 1st, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
Um, what Foxy said seems to sum it up. The "Awww! Cute!" bit. :D

Very nice!
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:43 pm (UTC)
I'M A DOGGIE, SO I CAN'T HELP BUT BE CUTE. MY SISTER'S A CAT, AND I AM WAAAY CUTER THAN HER. TOTES.
nancybrown
Jan. 1st, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Adorable!
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:38 pm (UTC)
YOU FED YOUR DINOSAUR CHOCOLATE?! THIS ONE TIME, MY BROTHER ATE ALL THE HALLOWEEN CHOCOLATE AND WE HAD TO GO TO THE DOGGIE ER AND SPEND HOURS AND HOURS THERE AND HE GOT SICK ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE! IT WAS NASTY. BUT I SUPPOSE DINOS ARE DIFFERENT!
blue_fjords
Jan. 1st, 2010 04:05 pm (UTC)
ich mag hunde.
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:36 pm (UTC)
HEY, YOU!
solsticezero
Jan. 1st, 2010 05:50 pm (UTC)
"Sparkle for me."

LOVE.

This was brilliant. :D People putting cruentum in RPF will never stop making me laugh.
paragraphs
Jan. 1st, 2010 06:29 pm (UTC)
Me either. LOL. There should be more!
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:36 pm (UTC)
I'M A DOGGIE! I DON'T KNOW ANY PEOPLE WHO PUT NICK INTO RPF. NOPE, NONE! I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT; YOU MAKE MY TAIL WAG!
paragraphs
Jan. 3rd, 2010 03:07 am (UTC)
Piper, you should start a new trend!
neifile7
Jan. 1st, 2010 07:28 pm (UTC)
KIRSCHEN!!!

And JB sparkling at Germans.

You definitely know your audience, anon. (And not just your recipient. ;))
paragraphs
Jan. 1st, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
LOL don't they? :)
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:30 pm (UTC)
I &HEARTS THE GERMAN DUDE!

IT'S TOUGH BEING A DOG WRITER, YOU KNOW. BUT SOME THINGS DO TRANSLATE. EVERYONE LIKES SPARKLES! THEY'RE PRETTY! THEY GET ON MY NOSE AND IN MY FUR AND MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS!
lawsontl
Jan. 2nd, 2010 12:33 am (UTC)
Oh, how lovely! A dear slice of RPF life, and a very sweet gesture as well.

BELLEH!
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:33 pm (UTC)
I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BELLEH! IT IS WAY BIGGER THAN MY BROTHER'S. IT HELPS ME BE A GROWN-UP WRITER B/C I THINK W/ MY BELLEH!
invisible_lift
Jan. 2nd, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
*snerk*

You're unhinged, anon, but charming nonetheless.
blue_fjords
Jan. 2nd, 2010 08:20 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I STOLE MY MUM'S COMPUTER AND WROTE A STORY! SHE HAD TO BABEL-FISH FOR ME THOUGH. IT'S TOO TRICKY FOR MY DOG BRAIN!
kel_reiley
Jan. 4th, 2010 09:51 pm (UTC)
oh LOL! that was great!
WHO GETS ANOTHER CAMEO?!!! hahaha
blue_fjords
Jan. 5th, 2010 05:50 am (UTC)
I &hearts NICK! HE ALWAYS GETS A CAMEO. AND THE DOGGIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT. AS THEY SHOULD BE!!! EVERYONE LOVES DOGGIES!!!
kel_reiley
Jan. 5th, 2010 05:51 am (UTC)
THIS IS TRUE. EVERY FIC NEEDS DOGGIES.
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )